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Congratulations! You've graduated from college and now have a piece of paper that says you're smart! Unfortunately, you'll probably be poor and in debt for the rest of your life. Here are ten things you could've bought with your money in lieu of a college education.
1) A house filled with a lifetime supply of food: But you paid for college instead. Now, you get to work for the rest of your life paying off a house as well as your college debt!
2) Training on how to be a long-haul trucker making 80K per year, plus 3 Ferarris: You mean your college recruiter didn't mention this?
3) 300 mail-order brides from Ukraine: The prices have never been lower!
4) All the equipment you need to rob Caesar's, the Bellagio, and the MGM Grand in one night with an elite team of 11 handsome men: Too bad. Instead, you spent all your time in class when you could have been cozying up to the suave criminal underground.
5) 35 college educations from 1980, including the time travel: It's insane that more people don't do this.
6) A friggin' spaceship: You could have had a real spaceship, or at least a ridden on a billionaire's spaceship. Sad.
7) A tank of gas and some groceries in California: Thanks, inflation!
8) Hunter Biden on your company's board for 4 months: Instead, you were forced to sit through his virtual political science course. Yawn.
9) In-person brainwashing from Ibram X. Kendi for 4 months: Instead, you sat in a dark lecture hall watching all his white privilege lectures on a crappy screen like a chump.
10) One NFT of an ape with a bored expression on his face: We live in strange times.
NOT SATIRE: Praxis is a year-long apprenticeship program that matches you with a full-time, paid job at a growing company. The program offers a direct route into high-potential careers for driven young people without the cost and hassle of college. Want to learn how it works?
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.