STATE COLLEGE, PA — After the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) made a shocking ruling on Thursday that Lia Thomas, a man, would not be allowed to compete on the U.S. women's Olympic team, Thomas requested further clarification on whether he might be allowed to still just hang out naked in the women's locker room on occasion or something like that.
"That's fine if I can't compete, but can I, maybe, I dunno, just hang out naked in the women's locker room?" said Thomas to the committee, according to sources. "I can, you know, help with the swimming gear and towels and whatnot. And I'd be naked while I'm doing it. No big deal."
"That shouldn't be too much to ask for a brave trans pioneer like me."
Thomas's request to lurk in the locker room invoked the spirit of Pride Month, saying all he wants is the right to creep out women while at the same time indulging in his own gross fetish even if he won't be allowed to humiliate those women in competitive sports.
At publishing time, Planet Fitness and 24 Hour Fitness had both reached out to tell him he's welcome to hang out naked in their women's locker rooms any time.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
