ORLANDO, FL — Sources close to Florida resident Chet Schopel claim that the man has just vehemently opined that "hobby horsing isn't a real sport" while completely forgetting that his own favorite "athletic endeavor" is golf.
Schopel, who considers driving around a large green course in a motorized vehicle before getting out to take a swipe - or seven - at a tiny white ball to be "invigorating and athletic," spent a full hour and a half after finding out that Finland has a national championship for hobby horsing by ranting about how little girls running around and jumping over obstacles with toy ponies should in no way be considered a "real sport."
"What? Who thinks that sprinting around a gym and hurdling obstacles with a fake pony could ever qualify as a sport?" asked Schopel just before taking a refreshing swig of coffee, settling into position, and then comfortably sinking an 8-inch putt on his third try. "I mean, sports should involve some sort of physical action…and strenuous effort…and fatigue - like golf! Somebody get those girls a golf club, not a toy horse!
Schopel continued to finish off an 18-hole game while taking frequent stops to mop his brow with a handkerchief and grumble about how "kids these days are just calling anything a sport."
At publishing time, Schopel had been outraged to find out that tag was also considered a competitive sport.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
