ORLANDO, FL — Sources close to Florida resident Chet Schopel claim that the man has just vehemently opined that "hobby horsing isn't a real sport" while completely forgetting that his own favorite "athletic endeavor" is golf.
Schopel, who considers driving around a large green course in a motorized vehicle before getting out to take a swipe - or seven - at a tiny white ball to be "invigorating and athletic," spent a full hour and a half after finding out that Finland has a national championship for hobby horsing by ranting about how little girls running around and jumping over obstacles with toy ponies should in no way be considered a "real sport."
"What? Who thinks that sprinting around a gym and hurdling obstacles with a fake pony could ever qualify as a sport?" asked Schopel just before taking a refreshing swig of coffee, settling into position, and then comfortably sinking an 8-inch putt on his third try. "I mean, sports should involve some sort of physical action…and strenuous effort…and fatigue - like golf! Somebody get those girls a golf club, not a toy horse!
Schopel continued to finish off an 18-hole game while taking frequent stops to mop his brow with a handkerchief and grumble about how "kids these days are just calling anything a sport."
At publishing time, Schopel had been outraged to find out that tag was also considered a competitive sport.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
