MIAMI, FL — In the wake of the sighting of a Russian naval flotilla not far from the coast of Florida, President Biden, Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, has swiftly and competently reacted to the situation in order to defend his top security priority: all of the Florida Pride murals.
According to National Security sources, the Russian task force which includes a nuclear submarine and a frigate could pose a threat to US sovereignty, but more importantly, they might splash water - or even leave tire tracks - on gay pride murals. The National Guard and the Coast Guard have been ordered to dispatch troops to keep a 24-hour watch on all Pride murals within a 250-mile radius of the Russian ships.
"Rest assured, Americans," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said in an emergency press conference. "President Biden is doing everything within his power to make sure that American assets are protected and secure in the face of Russian saber-rattling - especially the most precious national symbol of all: our pride murals!"
President Biden later confirmed the decision in a brief speech. "You know them warships in Mexico, Jack? They're just dog-faced, lying pony soldiers! REPEAT THE LINE. We'll make sure that they can't take any of their malarkey against our Gaza Pride folx!"
At publishing time, Biden's security team had been horrified to hear rumors of Russian threats to misgender kindergarteners and interrupt drag queen story hours. Sources report that government security agents have been posted to defend vital national interests like abortion clinics and gender transition centers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
