ORLANDO, FL — Amid an escalating feud with Ron DeSantis, Disney dealt a devastating blow to the Governor by changing the requirements on all their attractions so that only people over 6 feet tall may enter.
"Come on, guys! I'm almost 6 feet! I'm, like, 5'10" at least! Look at my driver's license!" DeSantis reportedly argued to a park cast member while attempting to board "It's a Small World." But witnesses claim they saw the employee tap a nearby sign to demonstrate that DeSantis was, in actuality, nowhere near tall enough.
"Don't make me call park security — I mean stormtroopers, uh, you rebel scum," said the adolescent employee who was also not tall enough to ride.
According to sources, DeSantis went around to several different attractions before leaving the park, defeated. The final straw was being turned away from Dumbo the Flying Elephant, one of the more gentle rides in the park.
"You are welcome to return if accompanied by someone taller than 6 feet," a member of guest services explained to the frustrated governor.
At publishing time, DeSantis had introduced new legislation banning woke height requirements in Florida.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.