MANITOWOC, WI — Disappointed Army veteran Jack "Pappy" Van Hauser now says he probably wouldn't have done all that fighting for freedom had he known there would be all this gay stuff now.
"I wouldn't have risked my life to fight the Viet Cong if I had known men were just going to use their freedom to wear Daisy Dukes and go traipsing around like a bunch of communist fairies," said Pappy to family members as he turned on the television to watch Matlock but only saw more gay stuff. "All them boys screaming in the jungle. Limbs blown off. Blood and guts everywhere. I killed fifty men with my e-tool and lost a leg — all for this?"
He tried changing the television station, but could only find more and more gay stuff on every channel. He then decided to get some fresh air on his porch only to realize there was a pride parade out front.
"There, look! More gay stuff!" He exclaimed.
His family members tried to educate him that it was actually non-binary, queer, and trans stuff now, but that didn't seem to change his mind about it being more gay stuff.
Pappy was decorated with multiple medals for his bravery in combat and received three purple hearts — a record of service, he says, that was not done for all this gay stuff.
At publishing time, Private Pappy had declined to go to a ceremony at the White House honoring his service since the last picture he saw of the White House had "gay stuff" hanging on it which his family determined was the Progress Pride flag.
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