Scripture
'Depart From Me, I Never Knew You,' Whispers Trump To Disgraced Jerry Falwell Jr.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources at the White House, Trump confronted the disgraced Jerry Falwell, Jr., after the latter was revealed to be embroiled in marital scandals that are disturbing enough that we'd rather not type them in here.

Falwell, Jr. requested a special audience with the president to explain himself.

"Trump, Trump, did I not betray my Christian values in your name? Did I not cast out demons from the liberal mob for you? I've done everything for you! I gave up my Christian witness! I went all-in on the Trump train!" Falwell cried, tears streaming down his face as he begged Trump to take him back. "Choo choo! See? I'm still on board! Trump 2020!"

But Trump solemnly shook his head. "Depart from me, you doer of evil -- I never knew you."

"Nooooo!!!" screamed Falwell as he was thrown outside the White House, where Antifa was weeping and gnashing their teeth. They promptly threw a brick at him.

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