DERMOTT, AR—Describing the vision as “utterly terrifying,” churchgoers at First Southern Baptist Church reported an apparent physical manifestation of a demonic presence having materialized onstage just after debuting the church’s new custom drum kit Sunday morning.
“One minute, the drummer was counting off the upbeat time signature, and the next, an ominous, hairy creature with horns and hooves appeared out of thin air, right where the organ used to be,” a shaken Pastor Bill told reporters after the service. “That’ll teach us to play a Chris Tomlin tune.”
Pastor Bill further stated that the demonic manifestation cackled evilly, then appeared to descend upon the drum set, taking up residence in the bass drum. In a misguided attempt to salvage the song, the church’s newly hired drummer kept right on playing, but was forced to abort when his head spun backward and he began vomiting a strange green substance.
Other church members claimed the lights then began to flicker as several apparent members of the occult stepped forward from the shadows and began a dark pagan ritual, bobbing their heads to the 4/4 beat, spurred on by the Satanic melody.
“I always said that instrument of evil would get us into trouble,” longtime church member Helen Van Wagner told reporters after she and most of the congregation had escaped the building. “God has used the organ to minister to His people since the days of Noah—what gives us the right to change the style of music laid out for us in the Scriptures?”
At publishing time, the newly possessed drum set had been donated to a local heavy metal band.
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