WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has unveiled a proposal to simply guess how people were going to vote.
The proposal would allow Democrats to make their best guess as to how people would have voted and turn in these estimates as official ballots.
"This is a democracy," she told Bloomberg News. "We need as many people voting as possible. And the best way to do that is for us to just guess how people would have voted and turn in those results. If you disagree, you probably hate America. And you're also a big, dumb, doo-doo head."
Trump has strongly opposed this move, suggesting it could turn into voter fraud. "The Dems are scared," he said. "Pathetic Pelosi thinks she can ruin my landslide victory by guessing that all the Trump people would vote Biden. Not true! If every vote were counted equally and honestly, I'd win by 120%. Or more! Many people are saying more. The best people are saying it."
He then unveiled his own proposal to "make voting fun again" by having everyone fill out their ballots with one of those giant novelty pencils kids used to get in school as a reward for participating in a fundraiser. "It'd be so funny," he said, suppressing a giggle. "Everyone marking Trump with one of those big pencils. I'd love to see it."