WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats promised on Friday that they would provide all Americans with large, warm piles of gently digested cash that they would personally regurgitate into every citizen's mouth one at a time. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that she would personally be having her jaw hinge loosed so that she could emit larger clumps of the green mush to be easily dropped into the gaping mouths of hungry constituents.
"Trillions of dollars can be very hard to swallow," Pelosi explained at a press conference Friday morning. "We're here to make it go down nice and easy with lots of healthy proteins and a protective coating that makes this latest stimulus easier to digest and full of helpful microbiomes."
Some showed concern that, when democrats initially chewed up the mound of cash and swallowed it before regurgitation, not all of the money would come back up. Senator Chuck Schumer explained, "It's a common part of the distribution process that the one doing the feeding will digest a portion of the pulped cash. It's all part of the natural process. Nobody needs nourishment like the one doing the feeding."
Experts advise those who want to be fed first tilt their heads up toward the sky and screech madly until they feel the green sludge land in and around their mouth area. Those who do not screech and squawk loudly may be overlooked.
"It's a delicate and loving process," Pelosi said. "Now open up because here it comes."
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