WASHINGTON, D.C.—As part of the Democrat Party's push for mail-in voting in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, the party has revealed the seasoned veteran mailman who will collect everybody's mail-in votes this November, Phil R.E. Quinton.
A longtime USPS mail carrier, Quinton will be in charge of collecting and tabulating the votes for all the states that opt for mail-in voting.
"Quinton has been a trusted USPS mailman for years, and you can trust him with your votes," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "Read my lips: Quinton will make sure each and every vote will be counted and counted fairly."
"Thank you for your vote of confidence," Quinton said. "I am good at two things: chewing gum and delivering the votes. And I'm all out of votes. I mean, I'm all out of... gum? Eh, what difference does it make? I'm your guy."
Some people suggested that the mailman was actually a woman in disguise, but these people are obviously hateful bigots and so can be ignored. They also have not been heard from in several hours.
As Quinton began his lengthy mail route to collect early mail-in votes across the country, dozens of yapping dogs turned up dead.