U.S. — Despite record-low polling numbers among American voters, Democratic Party leaders were confident they could turn things around and estimated they were only one more arson away from being popular again.
While the party seemed to have run adrift in the American political landscape following its landslide losses to President Donald Trump and the Republican Party, prominent Democrats remained hopeful that their fortunes would come back around after the next firebombing.
"Just a few more torched Teslas and everyone will love us again," said Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "I mean, we've vandalized and destroyed people's property, we opposed eliminating wasteful government spending, and we put that hellish imp David Hogg in a position of leadership with the party. With all those things done, all we need is one more arson attack and we'll be in a good spot."
Street-level Democratic operatives agreed that another act of domestic terrorism was all that would be needed. "This is all just continuing to build goodwill with the American public," said the masked ANTIFA soldier. "The more property we smash and burn, and the more people we hurt and terrify, the closer we'll be to reestablishing our party as the party of tolerance and compassion. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to finish making this batch of Molotov cocktails."
At publishing time, Democrats were working on the next phase of their plan to regain popularity among voters by wrecking everything in people's lives and making everyone in the country hate them.
The Founding Fathers didn't always agree behind closed doors.
