BURBANK, CA — Following the disastrous box office opening of Disney's Snow White, actress Rachel Zegler has been stored in the famed Disney vault for safekeeping until such time as she becomes profitable again.
"These things happen," Disney CEO Bob Iger said in an interview on Extra. "Actors go through slumps, and everyone seems to hate Rachel right now for some reason. But she's got potential, so we threw her in there next to Walt."
The Disney vault, infamous for storing beloved films so that no one can watch them for decades until they appreciate in price and can be sold again, is also the temporary resting place of various unprofitable actors. Currently residing in the Disney vault along with Rachel Zegler are actors John Travolta, Johnny Depp, and Steve Gutenberg, who has been there since 1990.
Caretakers of the Disney vault admit there's a chance Rachel Zegler will never again see the light of day, but it's better this way, they say. "Being a nobody in Hollywood is worse than being a nobody in real life," said vault janitor Don Knotts.
The true whereabouts of the Disney vault is unknown.
At publishing time, with nothing much to do in the Disney vault, Rachel Zegler had reportedly been radicalized by a viewing of Song of the South.
The Founding Fathers didn't always agree behind closed doors.
