U.S. — Democrats across the nation were reportedly confused by thousands of local parades held yesterday, as everyone in them kept their clothes on and didn't swing sex toys around.

"What even is this?" said local Democrat and cat mom Glenda Fitzgerald. "Where are the BDSM displays, the transgender furries, and the naked men on bicycles? This is not what parades are for! I don't get it! I'm so annoyed I even bothered to bring my 5-year-old nephew to this strange event!"

Initial reports indicate that over 60 million Americans attended the events in question even though they featured no queer enrichment targeted at children.

Several sources investigated the events around the nation, which reportedly featured American flags, apple pie, and innocent joy. As of now, it is still unclear what these events were celebrating and who they were for. "Our sources indicate these strange kink-free parades could be fronts for dangerous fascist groups," said Congresswoman and affirmative action recipient Cori Bush. "I watched one on TV and didn't see a single genital. This is white supremacy."

Parents who brought children to these events are being urged to read a copy of Gender Queer to their children as soon as possible to counteract any white nationalist programming they may have absorbed at a July 4th parade.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.