WASHINGTON, D.C. — Joe Biden's pledge during the 2020 Presidential Election to restore decency and integrity to the White House has been fulfilled, as testing revealed the cocaine found on the premises this week was truly of the highest quality.

"It is this administration's policy to maintain the highest standards," said Karine Jean-Pierre, a black gay White House Press Secretary who made history as a gay person who is black and works as the White House Press Secretary. "The American people deserve to feel confident that any cocaine found within the presidential residence will only be of the very finest kind."

Word spread quickly after a substance discovered at the White House tested positive as cocaine. With suspicions immediately raised that the presence of the cocaine happened to coincide with the President's son, Hunter, staying at the White House, the administration sought to quickly change the subject from the owner of the cocaine to its level of quality.

"We all saw what the previous administration did to this country," Jean-Pierre continued. "Low gas prices. Low unemployment. Affordable houses. Peace in the Middle East. A prosperous economy. Strength in the military and at the border. A veritable laundry list of things we had to correct when we took control of the country. You can be sure that if any cocaine were found here under Trump's watch, it would have been some shoddy stuff that likely has baking soda or talcum powder cut into it. Shameful. This administration only allows the purest Colombian blow."

At publishing time, former President Donald Trump had been notified that he may be facing new indictments for the cocaine found at the Biden White House.

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