U.S. — On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest.
The civil disobedience served to underscore the displeasure of citizens on the Left for what they described as oppressive fascism that would deprive them of their right to develop severe hormonal, autoimmune, and reproductive side effects, as well as put themselves at increased risk for various cancers.
"You have no right to take away our Red 40!" shouted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as she drank a concentrated form of the dangerous artificial food dye straight from a jug. "If it's good enough for Doritos and Lucky Charms, then it's good enough for me. Poisoning our population is part of the fabric of America, and we will not stand idly by and let RFK save us from a laundry list of health issues. Pass me another jug!"
Other prominent Democrats voiced strong support for the processed food industry, believing in Americans' right to choose. "Who is RFK to tell us what we can put into our bodies?" asked an angry Elizabeth Warren after bathing in a vat of Yellow 5. "My food, my choice! Inject it straight into my veins. Like my tribal ancestors, I will fight to the bitter end to preserve my freedom, and the freedom of all Americans, to ingest harmful chemicals on a daily basis."
At publishing time, Democrats had rallied their voters behind the idea that the adverse side effects of artificial food dyes served a vital role in reducing the population.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
