U.S. — Kristi Noem's penchant for putting down untrainable animals made her popular with Democrats following last night's Presidential Debate, with her phone reportedly ringing off the hook ever since.
Democrats from all over the country were calling to implore the South Dakota Governor to "please please" take Biden out behind the White House shed and put him out of his misery.
"I just can't imagine how hard it must be for the poor guy," said one caller, later identified as California Governor Gavin Newsom. "The president can barely move. That's not a life worth living. He deserves the dignity of ... you know... the thing."
Other callers didn't beat around the bush as much. "He's blowing it for all of us!" Vice President Kamala Harris argued. "Just take him back there and bury him in a box or something, okay? Hahahaha!"
"Kamala? It's 3:00 in the morning!" Noem reportedly said, irritated, though all she could hear on the other line was laughter.
Political experts suggested Gov. Noem may be exactly what the world needs right now. "She's the only human that can do it," political commentator James Carville told reporters. "I certainly couldn't kill anyone that wasn't an unborn baby."
According to sources, Kristi Noem initially refused the requests before agreeing that it was something that must be done. "My country is calling on me to do a great service for all Americans," she said.
At publishing time, Kristi Noem reluctantly accepted the job after realizing it was her only chance to hunt the most dangerous game.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
