TUSCALOOSA, AL — Congregants at First Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa confirmed that the church has committed to offering free PTSD counseling and treatment to all volunteers who were involved in this summer's Vacation Bible School.

Sources say that the offer came shortly after VBS finished up for the summer, when several volunteers began to complain of flashbacks, nightmares, and feeling constantly on edge.

"Our hearts go out to these dear brothers and sisters," said Pastor Jim Haney as he prepared to go visit one volunteer who was rendered bedridden as a result of VBS. "They're warriors for Christ on the front lines, for sure and certain. Those fourth graders…" Pastor Jones broke off, his eyes welling up with tears.

"NOOO!!!" screamed Calvin Birch, who had been in charge of the first through third grades. "Please, no — not the graham crackers and the goldfish. Oooohhh! The construction paper… and the glitter, so help me, the glitter! And the perpetually sticky hands and the chaos all day! Someone help me! Help me, please!"

According to sources close to the congregation, nearly all of the volunteers who assisted with VBS have availed themself of the opportunity to seek counseling. Many have reportedly recovered enough to think about the upcoming year of Sunday School starting in the fall, though Ms. Rebekah, Mrs. Leah, and Mr. Timothy may still suffer from permanent emotional scarring and involuntary trembling at any mention of fruit snacks.

At publishing time, it had been confirmed that the VBS volunteers would be among the first in the kingdom of heaven.

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