WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrat legislators in Washington, D.C. retired en masse today as the Supreme Court is already doing their job for them.
As yet another law was written out of thin air by SCOTUS, Democrats suddenly realized they were redundant and could retire peacefully in the knowledge that their legislative agenda would be enacted entirely through the courts.
"Our job is to make laws, but the Supreme Court is writing the laws we wanted to pass much more easily," said Nancy Pelosi in her retirement speech. "They just have to say some stuff and then bang that magic hammer down, and presto. New laws ex nihilo."
When asked what they were going to do with their lives, Democrats' answers varied. "I'm going to open a store where everything is free," said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thoughtfully. "Like, a lot of stores charge money, but it seems like that would make you have less customers. The law of supplies and demanding, as discovered by economist Milton Keynes, says that the more free stuff you have, the more customers you have. It's a great business idea. But capitalists are too greedy to do it."
Pelosi said she is going to retire to her mansion and gnaw on some ice cream, while Cory Booker is strongly considering a career in acting. "I already had one audition for Spartacus 2: This Time It's Personal. They said they would call," he said as he checked his phone for any missed calls again. "Nothing yet, but I'm pretty confident I got the part."
Kamala Harris said she might go back into her career in law enforcement and arrest some poor people to relax. "I've worked hard, and now that SCOTUS is doing my job for me, I've earned a little peace and quiet harassing parents of truant kids."
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.