ATLANTA, GA — Following a much-publicized incident this week in which a flight had to turn back due to a passenger suffering from intestinal issues that created a biohazard, Delta Airlines has announced that all planes will be outfitted with an "explosive diarrhea' warning light.
"This quickly became our No. 2 priority," said airline spokeswoman Charmin Brown. "After this week's unfortunate experience, we decided that, much like seatbelts or no-smoking lights, it would be best to have a way to notify all of our passengers of explosive diarrhea. This way, everyone onboard will be made aware whenever it's, you know, about to hit the fan."
Along with the addition of the poop emoji-like warning lights, flight attendants have been instructed to incorporate instructions about explosive diarrhea episodes into their pre-flight addresses. "Welcome to Delta Airlines flight 194," said attendant Amanda Rumsey before a trans-Atlantic flight departed from Atlanta. "Along with our standard equipment of oxygen masks and flotation devices, this Airbus A350 is equipped with an explosive diarrhea warning light. If you see that light above your seat illuminated, please avoid entering the aisleway to keep yourself from being sprayed with flying human foulness. If you are hit with a wash of feces, please press your flight attendant call button and request a complimentary wet wipe. Thank you, and enjoy your flight!"
At publishing time, early feedback from passengers on the change ranged from relief there would be adequate warning to feeling a sense of neverending fear of seeing the light turn on mid-flight.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.