CAMRBIDGE, MA—Smart Harvard student David Hogg has announced he is fighting back in the great pillow war against Mike Lindell, the evil Dark Lord of Pillows.
Hogg says he has found an audience with his progressive fanbase, who are constantly crying about everything. The pillows will soak up all their tears every night as they cry about oppression, the patriarchy, and math.
The full-time activist and part-time student reportedly ran into a snag, however, when he suddenly realized he didn't know anything about making pillows. In a strategy meeting, Hogg and his business partner brainstormed ideas to overcome this small hurdle. Written on the whiteboard behind them in their dorm was a basic business plan: "1. Come up with name. 2. Make pillows? 3. ?????????? 4. Profit!!!"
"Oh shoot, I forgot we'd have to find a factory," said Hogg as he googled "how to build a pillow factory non-GMO organic local for dummies." "And we'll make it a union shop with $500/hour pay for employees. Oh man, and we could have a cool headquarters like Google! And everyone will get free cappuccinos all day, and 3-hour breaks! This is gonna be so rad."
Unable to find a factory in the U.S. that could manufacture his tear-absorbent pillows in an all-natural, pesticide-free, humanely sourced, cage-free manner, Hogg took to his Twitter account and tweeted, "HEY DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO MAKE PILLOWS?"