SPRINGFIELD, MA — Local father of three Drake Burlingham is reportedly unsure if he should take his children to the free fireworks show at nearby Blunt Park since he can put on his own show in the driveway for the low price of $800.
"It'll be great, kids!" Burlingham explained to his children as his wife looked on in concern. "Sure, it'll be a shorter show, but it'll be more chaotic and unpredictable just as the founding fathers probably intended!"
"You don't want to anger George Washington's ghost, do you?"
The Burlingham children were ecstatic about the possibilities. Their mother, however, expressed skepticism. "Someone's gonna get hurt!" said Sally Burlingham. "And now I can't afford groceries for the next three weeks!"
"I promise, you'll remember this forever," said Burlingham. "It'll be the best five minutes of your life!"
At publishing time, the show had lasted only 34 seconds and had landed Drake Burlingham in the ER for severe burns.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
