BUFFALO, NY — Local dad Michael Cochran explained to his kids that this year, he felt confident that Santa would rather find some beer and cigars waiting at the bottom of the chimney than milk and cookies.
"Santa is a huge fan of session IPAs, trust me," said Mr. Cochran to his eldest son Sam. "Also, a good Rocky Patel cigar would probably go a long, long way with the big guy. Promise."
In addition the change in food offering, Mr. Cochran also reported that Santa has become a UFC fan and might stop in to watch a replay of the last fight. "If you hear a fight on the TV, just stay in bed and don't bother Santa," said Mr. Cochran. "Santa also brings extra presents to kids who sleep in until nine. Very, very important to Santa."
Sources report that since the conversation, a deeply frustrated Mrs. Cochran had caught the children several times attempting to sneak a six-pack of IPAs into the grocery cart. "I didn't know our three-year-old even knew those letters," said Mrs. Cochran. "Every time I look down at my grocery list, he slips a pack of Stone IPA into the cart bottom. Yesterday, our eight-year-old oldest asked a manager to unlock the cigar humidor. It's humiliating."
At publishing time, Mr. Cochran had informed the kids that Santa may need a new cigar cutter, if it wasn't too much trouble.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
