MANHATTAN, NY — District Attorney Alvin Bragg unsealed new charges today, now alleging that former President Donald Trump tossed Baby Penguin off of Cool, Cool Mountain.
"Trump held Baby Penguin over his head, and - despite the desperate cries of Mother Penguin - launched Baby Penguin off the side of Cool, Cool Mountain," said Mr. Bragg. "If you listen close, residents of Cool, Cool Mountain say you can still hear the wails of Mother Penguin to this day."
According to Bragg, Mr. Trump had been asked to locate and return the lost Baby Penguin known as "Tuxie" in exchange for a gold star. "The arrangement between Trump and Mother Penguin likely violated campaign finance laws," said Mr. Bragg. "Yet that pales in comparison to the heinous act of callously flinging Baby Penguin to certain doom. Have you ever heard a baby penguin scream? Justice will be served!"
For his part, Mr. Trump has denied the allegations. "I love baby penguins. No one has done more for baby penguins than me," said Mr. Trump. "I have returned so many baby penguins to their mothers, it's unbelievable. That's why they love me so much over on Cool, Cool Mountain. The penguins there are so beautiful, and I would never throw one off a cliff - even one with a loser name like ‘Tuxie'."
At publishing time, Bragg had unsealed yet another allegation that Trump also smashed a massive snowman body into a poor, unsuspecting Headless Snowman.
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