HEAVEN — According to heavenly sources, Dave Ramsey will now be stationed outside of the pearly gates to judge people based on how well they stuck to their budget.
"Let me get this straight - you took out a loan for a new car?" asked Mr. Ramsey. "Hoo-boy. This isn't starting off well for you, Steve."
Each soul will be examined as to how strict of a budget was kept and whether they used the envelope system. "With Ramsey in charge, a nice debt snowball may very well save you from the fires of Hell," warned financial planner Mitch Blevins. "If you haven't taken a pair of scissors to your credit cards, I'd strongly advise you do that immediately. None of us know how much time we have."
Ramsey has frequently offered hard truths during earthly interviews with financial catastrophes, but says the pressure will really be turned up at the gates of Heaven. "Judgment at the threshold of paradise really raises the stakes," said Ramsey. "I sure hope you have every dollar accounted for in that budget. Otherwise, you'll be enrolled in Financial Peace University for all of eternity - if you take my meaning."
At publishing time, Mr. Ramsey shook his head in disbelief as Steve described how he had purchased individual stocks and a mutual fund with a high expense ratio.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
