OWOSSO, MI—The development team behind popular and versatile accountability program Covenant Eyes rolled out an update Wednesday, introducing a brand new “Extreme mode,” in which users struggling with pornography addiction will have a list of websites visited each day emailed straight to preacher and missionary Paul Washer.
“In our field trials, we found that over 98% of men using the new program ceased all questionable activity almost immediately, as the fear of God was placed in their hearts upon learning that Washer would see their every move online,” a Covenant Eyes representative told reporters. “The 2% of men who continued to view porn even with Washer’s watchful gaze on their internet histories . . . well—just remember, Covenant Eyes assumes no responsibility for user safety.”
“Seriously, it’s in our terms of service, so proceed with caution,” he continued with an uneasy chuckle. “I’m really not joking.”
Pending reception of the new Extreme feature, Covenant Eyes reportedly plans on rolling out a new feature in which inappropriate images will be instantly replaced with a GIF of Paul Washer glaring at the person attempting to lust.