U.S.—In a grave indicator of the deadliness of the novel coronavirus, it has now supplanted ninjas as the top invisible enemy faced by Americans.
“We have an invisible enemy,” President Trump told the press at his latest press conference. “One that is always trying to throw shurikens at us from the shadows. But now we have another invisible enemy. A virus. And it’s even worse.”
What makes coronavirus even worse than ninjas, according to Trump, is that there is currently no known defense against it, while the defense against ninjas is well known (train with monks for a decade in the mountains to learn the secrets of martial arts). “You can’t karate chop a coronavirus,” Trump said. “Scientists have tried. Repeatedly. And if you forget to wash your hands after trying to karate chop it, you’re done for!”
And while ninjas are constantly trying to kidnap the president, the coronavirus has kidnapped the entire economy -- and economists don’t think people are bad enough dudes to rescue it any time soon. And though ninjas do kill numerous Americans every year, that has already been factored into daily life and hardly ever affects commerce.
There is hope, though. “We have figured out how to see this invisible enemy,” Trump said. “With a microscope.” The way to spot ninjas -- seeing through their smoke and ninja magic -- is still unknown.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.