WASHINGTON, D.C.—At his press conference last night, President Trump told everyone to stay hydrated and drink lots of water.
"Water's tremendous, very powerful stuff," he said. "You won't believe the things they can do with water. Water balloons. Water slides. Water beds. It's amazing. You can freeze it and make ice, I'm told. Ice is great for lots of things. Ice cream. Ice cubes. Igloos."
"Anyway, drink water."
Horrified journalists scrambled to warn Americans not to drown themselves in their pools and bathtubs.
"Trump says water is good -- but this is very misleading," said Rachel Maddow. "Did you know that water kills many people every year? These dangerous, unhinged remarks from the president could cause many to drown themselves. Plus, do you know what's hidden in water? Sharks. This president wants you to die from a shark attack!"
Representatives for various bottled water companies quickly released a statement distancing themselves from the president's remarks and warning everyone not to submerge themselves in the ocean for minutes at a time.