Conservative Primary Voters Excited To Choose Which Politician Will Betray Them Next
Politics ยท May 18, 2022

LANCASTER, PA - Conservative voters turned out in droves for the Republican primaries, eager to select the next candidate who will betray his supporters and completely reverse all his positions once sworn into office.

"Yeah, it's kind of like a fun tradition," said primary voter and frequent lottery ticket buyer Curt Twombly. "You listen to the candidates and get all hopeful and throw them your support, and then you sit back and wait to see how they yank the rug out from under you. I guess it's what it must be like to be a Cubs fan. Except the Cubs win at least once every hundred years."

Recent spikes in Republican voter registration meant that many voters were new to the perennial dance of betrayal, and they were anxious to learn more about it.

Police officer and first-time Republican primary voter Nestor Camacho said, "I usually don't pay attention to politics, but when I found out that my little girl's kindergarten teacher was dressing as a gay trans-unicorn every day, I figured it was time to get involved. It sounds like Republicans are interested in solving America's problems and not doing stupid things like… I dunno, throwing $40 billion at some foreign war. Wait, what?"

Local GOP official Nelson Muntz summed up the party's official view by saying, "We're proud to continue the party's long tradition of being the only viable option for the non-insane voter, thereby maintaining a base of supporters that feel obligated to vote for us no matter what we do! Ha-ha!"

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.

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