WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a mysterious Ring of Power fell into the lap of the United States Congress, the legislative body has voted to use the One Ring to solve our current crisis.
There was a lengthy council that went on for many hours, or approximately 50 transcript pages, to determine whether the Ring should be destroyed or used for good. There were also several breaks for various meals, like second breakfast, and lots of singing.
"It is a gift -- a gift to America," said one congressman as he held the Ring aloft, admiring how shiny it is. "Why not use this Ring? Long have we held the looming economic recession and America's enemies at bay. Let us use it against them!"
Former congressman Ron Paul appeared out of nowhere and tried to warn the congresspeople: "You cannot wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to the Deep State alone. It has no other master!" He was thrown out of the council.
"I will take the Ring and destroy it!" cried Thomas Massie, silencing the arguments momentarily. "I will take the Ring to the fires of Washington whence it came -- though I do not know the way." Massie was also thrown out of the council, and the vote to use the Ring passed.
While many have raised concerns that this could be bad in the long run, Congressional representatives have assured us that they will definitely destroy it when they are done.