MCALLEN, TX - Haitian migrant Tamara Garcia was searching for a better life in America as she waded across the Rio Grande river last week. She was quickly apprehended by border patrol agents who asked her why she didn't take a free government flight to the US instead.
"I should have done my homework before sneaking into the United States illegally," Garcia said. "I had no idea that the government would give me a free flight to anywhere I wanted to go in the US. My bad!"
Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas said Garcia's situation is all too common. "We've been trying to get the word out about this program for some time," Mayorkas said. "But we're still finding a lot of illegal aliens trying to sneak into the country, not realizing that the government will fly them in for free."
Mayorkas said the Biden-backed program, called MigrantAir, offers free, no-questions-asked flights to the US from 35 convenient locations in Mexico and Central America. Once the flights land, migrants are given a cell phone and $10,000 cash to start their new life.
"We also give each migrant a letter with a court date for an asylum hearing," Mayorkas said. "Of course, that's just for show, but it gets a good chuckle every time."
For her part, Garcia was able to hop a free flight to New York City a few days after her arrest. "The flight was great, except for a slight delay when an American citizen was caught trying to sneak onto the plane," he said. "Fortunately, the Border Patrol was checking ID to make sure anyone with a passport was kicked off the flight."
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.