WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Biden has promised to end cancer, citing his excellent record in shutting down the coronavirus. But oh no! Now everyone in the U.S. has cancer!
Within minutes of Biden's announcement that he would be ending cancer, over 300 million new cancer cases were reported. It wasn't clear how so many people got cancer so fast, but no matter how it happened, many are blaming Biden for his bungling of the cancer situation.
"Listen, folks, I'm gonna shut this whole cancer thing down," Biden said at a press conference Thursday. "We're gonna - ahem, excuse me - we're gonna stop, we're gonna stop this thing. Excuse me for a minute." Biden then broke down into a coughing fit and was taken in for a medical evaluation, which revealed that he had 17 kinds of cancer, including several that hadn't even been invented yet. Reporters began demanding answers, but all were rushed to the hospital with cancer as well.
Some sources say Trump even developed a cure for cancer before leaving office and had a clear plan for getting it distributed. But somehow, after the cure was passed off to the Biden administration, cancer cases exploded. CNN is blaming Trump, calling cancer the "Trumpcancer", though they have taken their cancer death counter off their broadcast now that Biden is in office.
At publishing time, Biden had announced he would be ending gun violence for good and oh no! I've just been shot!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
