SUMMERFIELD, MD - The Washington Football Team changed its name this week, finalizing a year-long transition from 'Redskins' to 'Commanders.' Along with the shiny new name, the team announced a brand new mascot: General George Custer.
"We wanted a mascot that would represent the ultimate commander," said team owner Dan Snyder. "Someone the fans could rally behind as we make our last stand on defense."
General Custer, who famously said, "There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry," will be on the sidelines every game to cheer on the Commanders with the crowd.
Native American leaders have been critical of the new mascot. "Commanders is vague enough to be inoffensive, but this mascot makes everything worse. Custer was famous for reveling in the slaughter of native tribes," said Chief Rolling Hamster. "I'd prefer they call themselves the Redskins at this point."
Notable Indigenous Person Elizabeth Warren also expressed her disgust. "That you would parade a white man mascot around instead of a Native American is abhorrent. Are you saying Native Americans can't be commanders? I'm tired of rich white people making these decisions!" she lamented from her mansion in Cambridge.
According to sources, fans in and around the nation's capital just want to enjoy some football for once in their lives.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
