Politics U.S.
Confirmed: Missing FBI Text Messages Either Huge Scandal Or Nothing At All, Depending On Your Political Leanings

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new report released by a non-partisan political think tank confirmed Thursday that the infamous missing text messages between FBI officials Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, if revealed, will either amount to the largest scandal the United States has ever seen or absolutely nothing at all, depending on what you already believe and the political party whose worldview you already subscribe to.

The report found that regardless of what the missing text messages say, you will find a way to make them conform to your current worldview, due to a phenomenon known as confirmation bias.

“Our report suggests that if you’re a Democrat, the missing FBI text messages will amount to ‘a big nothing burger,’ while if you’re a Republican, the same messages will be bigger than Watergate. In either case, it doesn’t really matter what they actually say,” a think tank rep said. “Our study further confirmed that you are likely to minimize or disregard anything in the text messages that contradicts your current worldview, while blowing anything that supports your opinion out of proportion.”

At publishing time, the study had further confirmed that should the text messages directly contradict your worldview, you will scramble to find something your ideological opponents did wrong, no matter how long ago, and throw it in their face when confronted with the new information your mind isn’t able to incorporate into your worldview.

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