HICKORY FLAT, MS—Waving idly in frustration over the outcome of the recent SBC resolution repudiating it, the Confederate battle flag disclosed Thursday that it can’t believe it got ousted from the Southern Baptist Convention before Ed Young, Jr. did.
“Sure, it was my time to go; I get it, I’m not bitter,” the flag said to reporters. “I frankly just can’t believe I got booted before that goofy Ed Young and his Fellowship Church,” adding that it probably doesn’t need to explain to anyone who has internet access why the Texas megachurch pastor is an egregious disgrace to Southern Baptists.
“The SBC disavowed me. We all knew it was coming—they’re just trying to distance themselves from a shameful chapter in their history, sure, good for them. I’m honestly just surprised that they didn’t distance themselves from this cartoonish, prosperity-gospel spewing, multimillion-dollar home owning, private-jet flying, heresy-enabling, sexperiment-having, Bible belt aristocrat first. I just figured, between the two of us, he would be the first to go.”
“I’m not saying I didn’t deserve it. I’m just surprised, is all,” the flag added.