PALM BEACH, FL - According to sources, former President Donald Trump hasn't sent out a campaign e-mail in over ten minutes, raising concerns about Trump's health. Rumors are running rampant that Trump has been incapacitated somehow or may even be dead.
Personal assistant Jezebel Duvall spoke on behalf of Trump's office. "President Trump is doing just fine. He's enjoying his time on the golf course while planning his presidential comeback."
However, Tucker Carlson of Fox News questioned the prevailing narrative. "If Trump is doing fine then why didn't he tell us? Instead, he sends his lackey...or could it be this lackey was sent by the deep state?"
The Dow Jones took a major hit as a result of general market instability due to Trump's apparent absence.
Mike Lindell, the founder of MyPillow, has hired a private investigator to find Trump at any cost. He promises just two more weeks and Trump will be alive and well.
"He will also be president again," said Lindell. "Any day now."
Members of Truth Social have also reported the president hasn't posted there for over a month despite his presence being the entire reason Truth Social exists. This doesn't look good.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.