BEIJING - According to sources with the Communist Party of China, party members are deeply humbled and incredibly grateful to the American media for running defense for them without even charging for it.

In a speech Wednesday, President Xi Jinpig expressed his bewilderment that the American media will simply repeat his talking points and won't even charge him a dime.

"You mean we don't even have to pay for this kind of positive press coverage? Amazing!" said President Xi Jinpig. "Here in China, we threaten the journalists' families, break their kneecaps, throw them into prison, or just pay them off for great coverage like this. America is truly a great place and a real friend to us commies."

What kind of favors has the American press done for China? First off, they repeated China's talking point that they didn't have anything to do with the virus and that it was probably Trump's fault. Then, China politely requested that everyone stop calling the virus that definitely came from China the "Chinese virus" or the "Wuhan virus," and the American media ran with it. President Xi suggested that journalists refer to the virus as the "Most Likely American Virus" or the "Precious Gift From Our Dear Friends In China" or even the "Trumpsfault Virus," and sure enough, several American press outlets were all over it.

"When I say pounce on Trump, they say, 'How high?' It's fantastic," President Xi added, laughing. "I even offered to pay them, but they all said they're doing it for the love of spreading propaganda and refused any compensation."