NEW YORK, NY — As pro-Palestine groups continued to gather on campus following the establishment of the Gaza Solidarity Encampment, Columbia University protestors clarified that they only want "Death to America" after America is done paying their student loans for them.
"Death to America… in like, 3 or 4 years when I graduate!" shouted one student protestor. "America truly is the ‘Great Satan' that ravages and oppresses other countries and deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth…as soon as the American taxpayers finish paying off our tuition loans!
"But as soon as that's done, then, yeah, totally, death to America!"
The mob of angry students occupying the Gaza Solidarity Encampment agreed that this was an entirely reasonable requirement. "America owes us. You, know, for being all evil and horrible and stuff," said an apparently well-educated student at the university. "We demand loan forgiveness from America. Then it can die as soon as that's done."
As part of this agreement, Columbia students vowed to maintain barely passing grades in all of their liberal arts classes for the duration of time it takes taxpayers to cover their debt.
At publishing time, the Columbia protestors had also called for the death of Elon Musk, but only after they get a Tesla.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
