SAN DIEGO, CA — As President Trump issued an order requiring all government employees to return to work in person, one rescue swimmer for the United States Coast Guard expressed disappointment that he could no longer work from home.
Greg Sparks, a Coast Guard Aviation Survival Technician, said he had gotten used to performing his duties remotely since his base sent everyone to work from home during the COVID-19 pandemic but was now sadly being forced to return to work in person.
"Aw, come on," Sparks said. "It's so much more convenient to do rescue swimming from home. Plus, the water is so cold. Ugh."
Sparks was adamant that working from home had no negative effects on his productivity as a rescue swimmer. "It makes things a lot less complicated to work at home," he said. "When I'm stationed at the base, there's a bunch of chaos, people running around, I'm jumping on board helicopters to get to where we're needed. Here at home, I just sit vigilantly and make sure nobody accidentally falls into my pool. I haven't lost a single person yet. How's that for productivity?"
At publishing time, Sparks was unable to provide further comment due to having to spring into action to make sure his wife wasn't in danger of accidentally drowning in the kitchen sink.
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