CNN HR Department Considers Adding 'Are You A Creepy Pervert?' To Employment Application

ATLANTA, GA—After revelations that every single anchor and producer who works at CNN is a creepy pervert, the HR department of the Cable News Network is considering adding a section to all employment applications which would require applicants to disclose whether or not they are a creepy perv. 

"Oh my gosh! Where did all these creepy pervs come from?" said CNN President Jeff Zucker as he pinched the behind of a female intern who happened to be walking by. "Someone should do something about this so our ratings don't continue to slide!" He then pinched the behind of a male intern who happened to be walking the other way.

The HR department responded with some changes to employment applications for anyone seeking to work at CNN. They will now simply ask: "Are you a creepy pervert?" and then prompt them to select either "yes" or "no."

"We hope this will help decrease the amount of depraved, disgusting creepy pervs who work at CNN to a more acceptable level," said Zucker. 

All CNN employees are also being asked to refrain from creepiness and perviness during work hours for the time being. Male applicants will also no longer be required to send shirtless photos to Don Lemon as a condition of employment.


In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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