NEW YORK, NY - A Columbia University study has revealed a troubling surge in Alec Baldwin-related shootings ever since Joe Biden was elected president.
"As you can clearly see here, there were zero people shot by Alec Baldwin - that we know of - before Biden's inauguration, and two people shot in the time since," said researcher Dr. Amos Tingleschnozz. That's an increase of infinity percent. You just can't ignore something like that."
Experts are baffled by the sharp increase and are looking into possible causes.
"The strongest correlation appears to be between Alec Baldwin shooting people and Joe Biden serving as the leader of America, Tingleschnozz continued. "We're not saying that Biden necessarily is to blame for these shootings, but we're not not saying that either."
A parallel study conducted at Princeton University produced different results, pointing instead to a strange correlation between Alec Baldwin shootings and Donald Trump being alive.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
