ATLANTA, GA - CNN's Jake Tapper gravely reported on the "first violent protest in recent memory" yesterday.
"We've never in the history of America seen anything like it!" he cried. "Someone actually shoved a barricade!" he shouted, "and people pushed past security and went somewhere they were not supposed to go!"
Tapper dissolved into tears trying to wrap his mind around such utter, never-before-seen depravity in the history of this great nation. "I've never seen such wanton chanting and pushing before, and I hope to never see it again," he cried.
"At least no one lit anything on fire -- that's a bridge our nation still hasn't crossed," Tapper said to reassure his viewer that all was not lost.
"Republicans must never be allowed to gather like this again. What this country needs is Joe Biden to restore order with an iron fist like the blessed Xi," Tapper said in closing. "He knows how to keep the peace."