Clever Business Owners Ward Off Looters With Kyle Rittenhouse Scarecrows

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Small business owners have devised a clever solution to the mostly-peaceful looting problem that has plagued retail stores in the nation’s democrat-run cities.

Standing near a Kyle Rittenhouse scarecrow outside her fifth-generation vintage VCR boutique, Reeba Hastings said, “We’re already seeing positive results from this bad boy. Just yesterday, a flash mob of fifty looters was ready to pilfer my precious vintage VCRs, but one look at this scarecrow and they scattered like politicians from a polygraph machine!”

However, some have pointed out the scarecrow’s downside. One store owner complained that, while scaring off potential looters, they tended to lure unemployed communist Antifa activists from out of their parents' basements and into the streets.

“The commies are perfectly harmless when near the Kyle Rittenhouse scarecrows,” said the store owner, “One of them kept trying to hit the life-size replica of our national hero, but kept missing and punching himself in the face over and over."

The scarecrows also reportedly cause celebrities to lose their minds and froth at the mouth.


Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.

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