CLEVELAND, OH—Due to mounting pressure from a growing consensus of 12 people on Twitter and The New York Times, the Cleveland Indians have finally chosen to change their team's name and get rid of the highly offensive "Chief Wahoo" mascot. After testing several new names with focus groups, the owners finally settled on the highly non-offensive title "Cleveland Genderless Sports Players With No Discernable Racial Features Or Specific Ethnic Background."
"After listening to the earnest pleas of a few recent college grads who sat through a Native American History course once, we realized something had to change," said owner Paul Dolan. "Once we make this change, we expect the lives of indigenous people to improve exponentially."
In addition to the name change, the Cleveland Indians will also replace Chief Wahoo with a generic, genderless, racially ambiguous grey face with purple hair.
Activists are continuing to push the organization to do more to right the wrongs brought about by decades of racial insensitivity. In response, the team will offer free season tickets to anyone named "Wahoo."