FORT WAYNE, IN — An ecumenical gathering of pastors and laity recently warned that the church in America now faces an impending shortage of sweet, elderly white-haired ladies that give you peppermints.
According to Rev. John Bielen, the pastor of St. Athanasius Lutheran, the church's numbers of little old ladies handing out peppermints have been steadily dwindling for the last five years.
"We're reaching crisis levels," Bielen said, sadly shaking his head. "Just last week, we lost Florence, who used to sit three pews from the front. She kept generations of kids quiet and pacified during the sermons — I don't know what we're going to do if Doris and Frances can't keep up anymore."
Recent studies from the Pew Research Center support warnings of the coming reckoning.
"It's not just anecdotal evidence anymore," said James Haarbin, a researcher. "The numbers show steady declines in the numbers of these wonderful, Godly old ladies across the nation. Worse yet, peppermint factories are starting to shut down, too."
At publishing time, churches across America had also warned of a coming shortage of old men with suspenders who stick out their false teeth at you.
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