LYTLE, AZ—Local church visitor Brad McDowell was tragically burned at the stake Sunday afternoon after sitting in a seat that was clearly already reserved by the sacred ritual of setting a church bulletin on the chair.
Lytle Community Church ushers gently tapped McDowell on the shoulder, informed him of his infraction, and escorted him to the church's bonfire used for serious violations like sitting in a seat clearly reserved by a bulletin.
"We hate to see him go," said usher Brent as deacons began piling up wood and kindling beneath the bound, scared visitor's feet. "He's dressed well and seemed polite. Probably woulda been a faithful tither."
He crossed his arms, sighed, and shook his head. "But rules are rules. If you get lax on this stuff, the next thing you know, your church descends into a free-for-all, anything goes deathmatch for seating positions."
At publishing time, sources had also been able to confirm that a second visitor was burned at the stake for sitting in the front row.