U.S.—Star Oklahoma quarterback and future MLB player Kyler Murray has won the Heisman Trophy and subsequently had his old tweets brought to light, proving once and for all to the nation that if you work hard, put in the effort, and believe in yourself, you too can have journalists try to ruin your life by combing through your Twitter feed.
Youngsters around the country were moved by Murray's inspiring tale of driving himself toward a singular goal so that journalists could rip him to shreds for words he said when he was 14.
"This is the American dream," said an ESPN host. "You train for years, you sacrifice your social life, you put in the work, and then agenda-driven reporters with nothing better to do get to smear you for something you said when you weren't old enough to drive yet."
"We're all moved by Murray's tale," he added, wiping away tears.
Murray may have accomplished his college football goal, but he's not finished yet. In an interview, he told reporters that he is now working on becoming a professional baseball star, only to be disgraced after reporters inevitably dig up a bad joke he told in elementary school. "It just goes to show that if you really put yourself out there, you can have the politically correct thought police shatter your reputation in a heartbeat."
"Kids out there, if you're listening, stay in school, play hard, and work hard—slimy journalists' careers depend on it."