HEAVEN—A spokesperson for heaven confirmed today that church nursery workers will all be awarded a complimentary "FastPass" once they arrive at the pearly gates.
The complimentary FastPass will let them bypass the line outside the pearly gates as well as get on all rides and attractions ahead of everyone throughout eternity. From priority seating at all heavenly potlucks to front row seats at all angelic concerts, the FastPass will have many benefits in the great beyond, sources confirmed Monday.
"This is a great way to reward those who changed dirty diapers and dealt with screaming toddlers as their pastors preached extra-long sermons and church members socialized for hours, leaving their kids in the nursery for as long as possible," said the spokesperson. "Seriously, what's wrong with you people!?"
"Anyway, we know this isn't enough. But we hope it's a good start and that we can make it up to you more throughout eternity."
Pastors who preached too long while on earth will be given a SlowPass.