GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Local compassionate progressive Karter Brynlee is recovering from an emotional roller coaster today after initially feeling sad for someone dying of COVID, then feeling a perverse thrill after finding out the victim hadn't been responsible enough to get vaccinated, then sad again after realizing he was an illegal immigrant who had snuck across the border.
"Oh, how sad," said Brynlee to himself, quickly followed by "HA! IN YOUR FACE YOU STUPID ANTI-VAX BOOMER!", which was quickly followed by "Oh man... what a tragedy."
"I am very compassionate," Brynlee then said to himself.
According to sources, tens of thousands of unvaccinated undocumented immigrants are being released into the country. Experts say this is totally fine and nothing to worry about. According to Dr. Fauci, the problem should be solved if we make 2-year-olds wear masks.
"That seems like the compassionate thing to do," Brynlee added.
As Brynlee continued to read the news, his sadness turned to joy once again when he found out that the illegal immigrant was an anti-communist refugee from Cuba.
"Eh—I guess the dummy should have stayed in Cuba where they have the best healthcare," he said smugly. "Did I mention how compassionate I am?"