SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Stating he was shocked at the Lord's "ignorant" approach to attractional church growth, self-described church growth expert Mark A. Sloniker was reportedly cringing the entire time he read through several of Christ's popular sermons in the gospels Tuesday.

"'The flesh counts for nothing?' 'No one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him?' Oh, come on, Jesus, you know better than that," Sloniker reportedly muttered to himself as he read through the sixth chapter of the Gospel of John. Sure enough, the church leadership guru's fears were confirmed, as the text then stated that many of Jesus' disciples no longer followed him.

"He had such a good thing going with the feeding of the five thousand - why'd He have to blow it? Why not just seal the deal with an extreme men's ministry event, or a big Easter giveaway?" an exasperated Sloniker added.

Flipping through other stories in the inspired accounts of Jesus' life, Sloniker continued to wince and cringe as he read the narratives of Jesus "going ballistic on potential future church members" in the temple, turning away seekers who came asking how they could join Him, and constantly preaching on the reality of hell and eternal punishment.

"If only the Savior were as enlightened about church growth as we are, He could have had an honest-to-goodness megachurch," Sloniker lamented.